Weeks had gone by. Although I can recite every falshq word, I cannot for the life of me do the actual magic. I had spent countless hours with Asher, only to return to Thu’uumki as unsuccessful, once again. But on the 82nd day of wizard training, something snapped.
“Asher, why are we even doing this? We both know I’m never going to be the princess, and that I will fail the kingdom.” I said, kicking the dirt.
“Violet, it just ta-“
“‘Violet it just takes time and practice'” I said, mocking him.
I looked at the dirt and he looked as though I had told him that magic wasn’t real and his whole life was a lie.
He reached out to consolidate me, but I brushed him off and walked back to the room which the council had so generously provided me.
I got to my room and started beating myself up. I was theorizing all the ways I was a failure that led to me being unable to do magic.
Was I too fat? Was I just dumb? Was I the wrong princess and they magically confused me with Amethyst? Was I too selfish? Was I unfit to be a leader?
But the more I thought, the more my own insecurities outraged me.
It isn’t MY FAULT flames won’t shoot out of me! It’s not MY FAULT that ‘I cant freeze people with my gaze! Most importantly, how would it be my fault that my spirit does not move within me!
Have I not been listening?
Or, has it.
I realized that this whole time, I had not looked within my own self to see what my own spirit was telling me. From day 1, I got so wrapped up in doing things for others, that I forgot to take care of me. I forgot what I wanted to save the land for.
I grabbed a piece of paper and a quill and ink. I decided, I’m going to write a list of what I want.
to be loved by my people
to be trusted
to be respected
to be feared by my foes
to have some fun
to fulfill my fate
to slay some motherfuckers
to find out what happened to my sister
to find out the background behind the marking
to fall in love
And the thought of his name sparked something in me. I sneaked down into the practice area of the castle. I began thinking about him again, and something sparked within me. I pointed the novice wand at the target and began casting, although I was no longer casting consciously. I closed my eyes.
When I reopened them, the metal swords behind where the target once was were glowing with sparks. I was so shocked I found myself hyperventilating. I forced my eyes down to the wand in my hand to see if it got damaged. The wood was split down the middle and curled back. it looked like a seed of popcorn had exploded in my hand.
I paced back and forth on the practice area of the common ground trying to think of a way to explain this.
I was angry and used it as a precision measurement for my bow and arrow? No because wands don’t break by physical means.
Thu’uumki wanted to try to use it to show me a spell? No, he could confirm that.
Oh I know. It got struck by lightening!
Holding the evidence in my hand, I spotted Thu’uumki standing near the entrance.
“Your magic is more powerful than any other I’ve seen.” Thu’uumki said, his face a stone wall.
“H-h-h-how do you mean?” I said shrinking my head between my shoulders.
“The spell you just casted, Violet, is what we call benefit of the death. Essentially, you only cast it if you are prepared to die and it will benefit those around you in some way. However, I can see this has not even exhausted you”
I swallowed hard.
I wondered if he understood what drove me.