I won’t lie, this is a sad post. Most people who know me as a good friend know vaguely about a rough past and lots of issues. This is a true analysis based on how I know myself and the things going on back then. I’m sorry if I offend you, but I will not take this post down, as it is my life and my truth and to take it down would be denying reality.
At 14 years old, I was dirty, I lacked self confidence and I struggled with face to face speaking. At the time I liked this photo, not realizing how much of me it revealed. Like the fact I am sitting next to a keyboard on a couch. At this time in my life I was struggling with an abusive father and lived in a dirty/messy environment. Back then when I would have added filters to this photo, I would have also cropped out the keyboard. I think that the living room was messy at the time as well and this is the only angle that I could have possibly taken to avoid the embarrassment of the house.
This was a month or two later when I had officially decided to move on to a more goth look. Feeling trapped and controlled led to a more out-there look and this was the result. I still knew what was considered pretty and kept this in mind, but I wanted to make a statement that I was not normal. Maybe this phase of my life was a cry for help.
As Rettberg states in her book, In a sense we present a different version of ourselves in each profile picture we choose,” (Rettberg, 42). I chose to hide this version by cropping out my environment. At this point of my life, I spent a good portion of my life in the basement. I played video games for hours, as it was the only thing I felt like I could do without getting yelled at. Behind me is my dad’s computer junk that he never used and never picked up. I may be smiling but don’t let this smile fool you. I felt isolated and overwhelmed and I almost cropped the mess out of this picture, due to sheer embarrassment.
This would have been after my dad was arrested. I can tell because in the background you can see the device holding in the door he kicked in. I’m also wearing less makeup. This is because the shell-shock of having my dad arrested made me loose track of time and sleep a lot more. It kicked my bad makeup habits and gave birth do embracing the fair, clean look of my skin.
I took this photo for my boyfriend at the time. I liked making silly faces with him and throwing the serious stuff away. I saw myself as goofy and dorky, even if it was only me that saw me that way. I took this picture on the stairs because the rest of the house was messy or didn’t have the right lighting. Plus it added a little more goofiness to it.
At this point in my life, I was at war with one of my favorite things; my violin. In this photo I had just returned from a rehearsal and wanted to take pictures to document that I had done something good with my violin. This is because the spark that triggered the fight in which I had to call the cops had sparked because I played my violin at a wedding. Basically my dad said he didn’t want to go so my mom did not save a seat for him. He comes in during the wedding and is furious that he has to sit away from my mom and brother. I felt responsible for all of it even though now, I know that is not true. This being said, If you look carefully at my face, you can see the pained expression because something I loved so dearly hurt so many people.
At this point in my life my boyfriend and I were fighting. I felt very little self esteem and thus didn’t take photos of my face very well. The funny thing is, I also really wanted to take nice photos of myself to help me feel prettier. From what I remember, it was more destructive than constructive.
Finally, at this point in my life I had broken up with my boyfriend and had no one to be around. I often sat alone in the cafeteria and cried. You can see the puffiness in my face and lips as I tried to hide how I felt. In this way, I was keeping my own diary of my life via selfies, (Rettberg).